Escaping the Male Gaze: How the Church Body Shames

I’ve felt body shame about my breasts since they started forming. On one hand, I felt so grown up to have my own budding rack to dress up. On the other, I now carried a new set of responsibilities. For instance, I could no longer run around wild and free with my shirt off like my little brother. I no longer needed to stuff my training bras, either.

I’ll never forget when my mom bought me my first bikini. It was on clearance at Old Navy for like $6 for the set. Plus, it was Americana, my mom’s favorite thing at the time. I felt a little naked wearing it, my boobs looked more like nubbins than actual breasts.

Well, fast forward a few months to visiting my grandparents.

My brother and I went with a couple of other kids to a local swimming spot. Of course, I wanted to impress the cute boy. So, I freestyled out to the floating dock and then used the back stroke back to shore.

I felt the sun beat down on my chest, my new tits in a new bikini saluting the sky and anyone else watching. 

When I stood up, I noticed my right breast had completely fallen out of the small triangle of fabric. Feeling mortified, I stuffed my boob back in and then saw the cute boy staring straight at me. We didn’t laugh about it; we didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, we pretended nothing happened, and I quietly let the shame scream at me in my head.

As a teenager, I had this dichotomy of embracing my sexy body and hiding it away when appropriate, like at youth group camp. I didn’t understand silly rules like girls being required to wear a one-piece bathing suit or a big t shirt over a bathing suit that showed a belly button and cleavage.

What was so different about the water at youth group camp than the water at the lake where I could wear my bikini and get a good tan?

I suppose the purpose is to teach modesty. But that’s not what it teaches. It teaches shame, and it teaches lust. For us girls, we learned our bodies cause sin and therefore we should dress a certain way. That is body shame. The boys, on the other hand, learned they are helpless to their wandering eyes and therefore must control the situation. 

I resent how often the church sexualized my body by telling me to cover it up on hot summer pool days. I didn’t understand the rule then, and I abhor it today. So, the picture I’m sharing today is provocative, sensual, and stunning. I can’t wait to discuss this image with you!

I imagine the male gaze feels super turned on by this photo. He notices the breast first, especially with that erect nipple in the light. Then he appreciates the nakedness, and his kinky fantasies are now flying in full throttle. What he sees is a naked body to do whatever he wants to with it. The fact you can only see one side breast feels disappointing for him, but at the same time, he doesn’t mind filling in the missing parts. He likely doesn’t prefer the squishy belly and thick thighs. He would never pick this body out on the street and fantasize about her. But this photo is posed, and there is mystery in the pose plus a naked breast, so perhaps he gives this photo a 5 out of 10.

I see a highly erotic picture of a naked woman who doesn’t feel shame about her body. I love that my arms are up and I am sitting in front of a window. What is happening outside the frame? There is so much mystery to play with here. I love how my belly sits on my thigh, gently. The lighting is so beautiful, you can see some of the lines on my skin just a little bit. They’re faint, but they’re there.

I wish I could see myself this way in regular lighting while I’m going about my day. I don’t, though. Even today I glanced at my reflection on the way to the pool, and all I noticed was my jiggly belly. The same belly you see in the above photo. This is why I think professional pictures can be so important. These photos serve as black-and-white reminders that my body looks the way it does in the mirror, and it looks the way it does when professionally posed for a photo. She is the same.