Body Confidence for the Deconstructing Christian Woman

I would love to give the deconstructing Christian woman the secret sauce to endless body confidence. The thing is, though, confidence is something we learn. It’s not something we are just born with. Then, of course, we all deal with the age-old issues of how media portrays the female body and how we were raised to view our own bodies. 

Growing up I felt like I fit the American beauty standard with my thin waist, blonde hair, and blue eyes. However, the girl I saw in the mirror also looked fat for a lot of my life. Looking back at my 20s, I feel sad that girl spent so much time thinking she had weight to lose. 

As the years passed and I birthed some babies, my body changed more and more. I earned countless zebra stripes and all kinds of little dimples on my thighs. The crinkles on my belly match the ones I saw on my mom growing up. As a little girl, my mom’s belly grossed me out, and I vowed I would never ever look like her.

I now wear these scars on my skin as badges of honor for the trauma I endured.

I feel grateful to be with a partner who sees past my perceived flaws and only sees a woman he finds endlessly attractive. His obsession with my body and all her parts played a big role in finding my body confidence as a deconstructing Christian woman.

So many times, I would quiz him late at night, asking him questions like, “So, you think I’m sexy like this?” Then I would stand in front of him and squish all my belly rolls together and jiggle them around. Or I would stand in front of my mirror, butt-ass naked, and ask him what he finds attractive about my body.

The words he game me became my mantras.

The next step in my body confidence evolution involved seeing the woman past what I had been trained to see. So to look in the mirror and see someone really sexy, I needed to find those sexy parts for myself. 

To do that, I started taking pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Not only did I take pictures, but I also studied them. Now, I didn’t always like what I saw – I took a lot of bad angles. But then I took good shots, too. And you know what helped me the most with these pictures? It wasn’t looking at them afterward. It was how I felt in my body while taking those pictures. 

As a deconstructing Christian woman, I discovered that by taking pictures of myself, I turned myself on.

When I felt turned on, I felt sexy and beautiful and like I could conquer the world. Or any man who came my way. Those picture sessions morphed into a big part of my brand and part of my regular life. These days I can scroll through my phone pictures and tell you how I’m doing in life based on what kinds of pictures I’m taking of me – if any at all. 

Today’s photo I’m sharing is one I snapped at random while getting dressed for the day. I love taking these pictures in the moment and feeling myself. A long time ago, those rolls you see would have made me want to crumple into a pile of dog poo and cry. But that’s not at all who I see in the mirror. But before we get to me…. What does HE see? You know who I’m talking about: The male gaze we are all trying to escape from over here.

I think nuances exist under the umbrella of the male gaze. For instance, in this photo, some men will absolutely go bonkers simply because there is a naked girl in the room. And while I’m covering up taboo body parts, my most taboo part of my body is peeking through.

To be clear, I didn’t take this photo to show anyone. I snapped it for me so I can remember the joy I felt in the moment with my body as my vessel. 

The other side of the male gaze isn’t into this photo at all. I have too many rolls, my hair is in a greasy bun, and my counter is cluttered. This isn’t a fantasy, necessarily. I’m not wearing any makeup and I’m not standing in a sexy position. But then again… maybe I am? And maybe the male gaze in general does in fact find this photo sexy as hell. 

I feel super proud that I see a confident, sexy woman in the mirror. I love the rolls I am showing off here. That was the point of the picture. Photos like these remind me that I’m the same person when my belly is squished together versus when she’s laying flat and posing just right.

The smile in this photo brings in the energy, also. I think so often I think that to look hot I must do the “sexy face.” You know what I mean? No smile, just smize. But really, smiling is life! Smiling is a gift not only for the people around you but for you, too. When you smile even when you don’t want to, you can literally feel better. 

Okay now I gotta be honest with you. I still see arms that are a little too big and fingers that I just don’t like. I struggle with my arms, and I know I need to get a gym membership and hit the weights. All in due time.

What do you see in the picture? Do you vibe with the male gaze, with what I see, or something else? Let me know in the comments!