Today, I feel a mix of helplessness, hope, and anticipation. I feel helpless, unable to overcome trauma because I can’t seem to generate enough income. I’ve been stuck for a while now. My thoughts revolve around where the next dollar will come from so we can keep surviving.
Have you ever seen the Netflix series Maid? Talk about how to overcome trauma! My life feels a bit like that right now, though. We don’t have any savings, a home, or substantial income—at least, not yet. However, I still see how blessed we are. We always have enough for what we need. Always.
Amid all this, I do feel hopeful because Mr. Sexy has a great job, and I will continue to build my income. Hope pushes me forward to overcome trauma through every storm and every dark tunnel. Sometimes, hope seems to defy logic. How can I feel hope when my husband can’t go more than a few hours without throwing up from stress and malnutrition? How can I see hope when I’m up all night in our one room at Motel 6, watching Mr. Sexy fight his demons, Evan punching the air, Emily flailing in their shared bed, and Timothy sleepwalking and talking?
Some might say this hope comes from a bigger source than me, like God. Maybe they’re right. Then again, maybe this hope comes from a privileged upbringing. I always had nice things, our pantries always overflowed with food, and I was never short on friends. The more I learn about Mr. Sexy’s upbringing versus mine, the more I see that money makes a big difference. Right now, it’s the difference between hope and despair.
Looking ahead, I anticipate many exciting changes over the next few years. Even though I don’t know where we will live yet, our Great Escape still makes the most sense. I have no regrets. We made the boldest move we’ve ever made, and it will work out. Moving forward toward a bright future is our only option—a future filled with sunny blue skies and perhaps a light ocean breeze now and then.
These sensations and feelings, these struggles to overcome trauma I’m experiences, ebbs and flows throughout my day. First comes helplessness, then hope, followed by anticipation—though not always in that order. Sometimes, helplessness takes over until I get myself out to the pool with the kids, and I can revel in the fact that we are here, moving mountains for a better future. Ah, the blissful moments of anticipating the many positive adventures to come.
Today is our final day at Homewood Suites by Hilton in Redondo Beach. This place has been amazing. We have truly relaxed, rested, and enjoyed this part of our journey. And we even met a few child actors during our stay! We took pictures and everything, and I’m not even embarrassed about it.
Here’s the truth: We are only here, surviving this move from Pullman to Long Beach, because people helped us get here. Internet friends carried us through our car blowing up, living in motels for weeks, and putting food in our bodies. I’ve never experienced such a tangible outpouring of care.
For a while now, I’ve been losing faith in people. This loss started with my dissatisfaction with the church and religion. Then, my life felt like it started to crumble, piece by piece. I felt alone every day. Nobody could understand what was happening inside me—the caged, rabid animal I was becoming. So, when Mr. Sexy asked me where he should look for work, I said, “Anywhere but here.” I just didn’t know how much support we would need, or that my faith in people might be restored through that support.
In short, people are nothing short of incredible.
We are all sad to leave our current hotel with separate rooms and a small kitchenette. Next, we’re likely going back to the Motel 6, where we started this crazy journey. We’re okay with that, too. For us, that Motel 6 in Carson felt like the first place we all felt safe after our traumatic drive to California. We figured out a lot during our first stay, and it feels good to move to a familiar place. While the motel is going through renovations, which makes finding things like ice frustrating, our room will be brand new, clean, and fairly spacious, all things considered.
I believe that pros and cons exist in every situation. Or, in the words of Garth Brooks, “To everything there is a blessing and a curse.” This idea helps me navigate my life right now, and I’m trying to instill this in my kids, too. There is no perfect situation. Not ever. With money comes a curse. With poverty comes a blessing. And vice versa.
The problem is I grew up being taught that God is in control of those curses and blessings. But in reality, we are. We are the humans with free will. Perhaps this is how we overcome trauma.
