Karma is our family table

I struggle to decide where to start telling my story. I always have. Every piece feels connected to all the others. Perhaps I am itching to write a memoir if only for my own self. Writing is always a safespace for me to lean on. It’s a gift my mom gave me at a very young age. By encouraging me to journal and (as far as I know) she never invaded that sacred privacy. And good for her because I’m sure she would have gotten her feelings hurt because I don’t hold back when its just me and white space to fill.

This dream I have to be a writer feels like it’s meant for someone else. I missed that boat. Then I remember my ship hasn’t arrived yet. When it does, it will be perfectly on time. The truth is I have a complete first draft of my book I started a few years ago. What to do with that? I don’t identify much with being a Christian anymore and the book is written for Christians. I suppose I could be the ex-christian sex coach…

I am working on putting boundaries up for the kids around tv time and game time. I’m generally fairly strict but l have let a lot go these past weeks. It’s always hard to climb this hill and fight these battles. Evan seems to think I’m a crazy control freak because I enforce boundaries for them. Ah, teenagers. They are such know-it-all dicks!

Tomorrow we have an appointment to view a two bedroom apartment rental in Long Beach. Can you imagine my family of five in a small 2 – bedroom apartment? I can, because I have to. The housing situation is not ideal and wildly different from what we all expected. We’re making it work, though. We all adjust each time life happens.

I think what matters is that we are together. We are on this journey arm in arm with one another. We aren’t a perfect system. We fight and feel the tensions we all bring to the table. The thing is, we all continue to choose to sit at the table. Even Evan. Sometimes I think it’s hardest on him.

When Mr. Sexy accepted the job with Rocket Lab, I dreamt up a cute little 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with just enough of a grassy back yard for our pool and to put a few chairs. Perhaps that dream helped give me the gumption to make such a huge move with nothing there aside from a new job. We are attempting to buy a 3 bedroom condo also but per the usual we have bonus hoops to jump through. We hoped qualifying for the VA loan would be smooth and simple. For me, it started to make sense to look at rentals based on what we could reasonably afford while we take our time and buy well.