I feel like I’ve lived with the male gaze on me my entire life. When I was a little girl, messages at home began to criticize my body as improper. “Close your legs,” my dad said while I relaxed, spread-eagle, on the couch watching TV. I snapped my legs shut, feeling humiliated and having no idea why. “Sit like a lady,” was another common phrase from my childhood that I took to mean, “Cross your legs; your panties are showing.” Or something like that.
I think, in large part, I’m trying to escape the male gaze, and I’ve been trying to escape for a long time.
As a teenager, I resented that I wasn’t allowed to wear certain things because I would be perceived as too sexy. I also learned from my mom that one day I wouldn’t be so skinny anymore, so I should enjoy this body while it lasts.
On one hand, I wanted to be an innocent teenager, an innocent kid. On the other, I wanted to break all the rules.
Below is my favorite picture of me. My boudoir photographer friend used me as her creative muse sometimes, and I am forever grateful for such a gift. During her birthday weekend in Seattle, we captured this photo while participating in boudoir photo shoots all weekend. I’ve no idea how my friend captured this shot or what she did in post, though I do remember posing for it. To me, this photo has so much to say, even though it’s only two colors.
What I want to do with my photos is start conversations around them, reflecting on how the male gaze impacts our own judgments about ourselves.
I feel kind of crazy for asking for this because, in the past, I’ve not been known for having super thick skin when it comes to criticism. However, I do feel compelled to practice letting my creative instincts fly – even when it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
The truth is, my body is my muse. Or one of them, at least. She inspires me, motivates me, and excites me. How can one body do that for me? How does one set of tits, a vulva with a bush, and a thick head of dirty blonde hair inspire me to be better or motivate me to do differently or excite me to the point of orgasm? The truth is, I’m not quite sure how it all works. All I know is that the more I engage with my body, the more I feel my creative juices flow.
I plan to share my perspectives on what the male gaze sees in my pictures, my personal interpretations, and my desires for what I hope to see in my own photos and those of other women. My goal here is to, at some point, start discussing what our individual bodies say about who we are, what we need to let go of, and how we can love ourselves even more.
What The Male Gaze Sees
I think it’s a pretty hot picture. The fact that you can’t see my face would allow him to imagine anyone he wants in that silhouette. The fact you can’t see my face would mean he could put anyone he wants in that silhouette. The long hair is also hot, and the fact you can see it curl is a plus. Generally speaking, most men prefer long hair. Also, the way I’m sitting in the picture is a little erotic as well.
What I See
So, I didn’t always consider this photo to be my favorite, though I always liked it a lot. This photo grew on me over time, and the more I looked at it, the more I fell in love with it. I see a woman who is feminine and powerful, full of desire and passion. The way I’m sitting feels like a power posture, yet it feels delicate, likely because it’s a silhouette. I love the mystery of this photo. Because you can’t see my face or any real defining features. But what you can see are my eyelashes, the arch of my neck, and the perfect tip of my nipple. I would say this photo is highly erotic, perhaps more so than one that would be in color.
What I Want to See
Honestly, I’m super happy with this photo, and I can’t find flaws with it anymore. I used to think that maybe I looked a little thick in the waist, but that thought is long gone.
That woman in the picture looks beautiful and sexy.
That woman in the picture could be anybody.
That woman in the picture is me.
