Dear Bestie, It’s time I start rethinking my toxic relationship with you.
I met you when I was about 13. We became fast friends. Decades together only strengthened our bond—no matter how toxic we were together.
I hesitate to call you toxic. You helped me navigate so much of my life that, at some point, I depended on you. Maybe that dependence started the first moment we met in my parents’ garage. Or maybe it grew over time.
Either way, we’ve been best friends for over 20 years. Now, I need to say goodbye—for a little while, at least.
I need space. I need to see who I am without you and what I can create. For the first time, I’m rethinking my toxic relationship—and that means rethinking you. Saying this might hurt you, and I hate that. I wouldn’t want to hear it either. In fact, I know I’d cry. But we both know I process everything through crying. I’d be sobbing. And honestly, sometimes, letting go through tears brings the best kind of relief.
But you make me cry unnecessarily.
The Realization: My Toxic Relationship No Longer Helps Me
I look in the mirror and see what you’ve done to me—your power over my body, my thoughts. When I’m with you, I believe I love myself. But the next day, I realize the truth. That’s when your toxic, poisonous voice surges through my veins.
At some point, you became part of me. When did that happen? Maybe it started from the very beginning, when I felt big, angry, hard feelings that no one else could see or understand—except for you.
You always see me.
Not just when I’m hurt.
When I feel happy, excited, bored, or stressed—you get it.
You just know.
More than that, though, you accept me in all my forms. You never judge. You never ask questions. You only support me. Even on my worst days, you make me feel better within minutes. I can lean back into the couch, feel the warmth of your embrace—soothing, wrapping around my neck, through my entire body.
And then, whatever brings us together in that moment disappears. Forgotten. We live in our own little world. No one could come between us. Not even my husband—the love of my life—who is the opposite of toxic.
He sees what you do to me, too. But he waits, knowing I need to come to this decision myself. And I appreciate that. He’s patient. He knows, in time, I will finally cut these harsh strings.
Why Letting Go Feels So Hard
The truth is, you and I no longer offer each other much. I’m growing, learning. You? You stay the same. The gap between us keeps getting wider, and I can’t justify holding on to this relationship anymore.
What makes you so toxic?
Every time I need to process something real, you try to pull me away from it.
You try to separate me from myself.
You infiltrate every part of me.
At some point, you made yourself a hero in my story. A lifeline that helped me cope with life’s darkest moments. And I want to feel grateful for that. But how can I?
You lie. You manipulate. You gaslight. You plant ideas in my head—just enough truth to make me doubt myself, just enough to keep me hooked. But enough is enough.
The Turning Point: Choosing Myself Over You
I look at my reflection and see the scars you’ve left behind. Because of you, I learned to look at my body and hate her. You turned my disgust for parts of myself into a masterpiece of self-loathing.
Now, I must be honest. Letting you go terrifies me. I don’t know who I am without you. What if I’m boring? What if I’m stiff, too stiff for anyone to want to be my friend? Then again, maybe I’d just become your friend again—stuck in the moments we would have shared in the future.
But you’re not the first toxic relationship I’ve had to walk away from. Not even close. I’ll just add you to the list.
I hope you understand—I have to let you go. This isn’t about me. This is about you.
You poison my mind, my body, and my soul. You want me to believe I need you to survive. But I never did.
You were just available. Easy to reach. Even in secret.
So, I have to say goodbye now.
Rethinking My Toxic Relationship Means Choosing Me
I don’t expect this breakup to be easy. But I hope it can be simple.
Without you, I love myself.
With you, I hate myself.
Without you, my mind stays free and clear.
With you, my mind turns numb, drunk, and lost.
I used to believe keeping you around meant something. But rethinking my toxic relationship has shown me the truth. You never made me special. You never fueled my creativity. I was bold and brave on my own.
All you do is lie, trick, and steal—from me, from everything I have to offer the world.
Well, no more.
Because I grew up.
And I choose me now.
Finally.
Love,
Your Non-Toxic Bestie
