I plopped down into the corner of my plush couch, smirking as I sank back. I always forget how deep that corner is. The couch is still relatively new, after all. I usually sit at the other end, with the little table, the light for my cross-stitch, and easy access to the off button for the fan. All the essentials for my inner child creativity.
Sitting in the corner by myself felt like one of those rare luxuries where I could either get up and leave or choose to sit with it for a bit. Let my mind wander and rest. Music played on my TV as it does most mornings. This time, I found a new “Relaxing Piano” playlist of Taylor Swift songs.
Piano music makes me feel nostalgic, with a dash of hope that my inner child still exists and years to create. I grew up playing the piano and truly loved it. I remember discovering new songs and playing them well enough to feel my emotions as I played. The problem was, I was a typical teenager and decided to quit because piano playing seemed lame. Literally, that was the reason. I now know so much better. I regret quitting the piano and wish my parents had encouraged me to continue doing the things I loved, even when they felt hard at the moment. The good news is, I know I can pick up the piano anytime I want. The fundamentals are still there.
Then my mind shifted to a place I’m embarrassed to admit. These ideas and dreams that infiltrate my mind feel like they come from a my inner child’s playground. And perhaps that’s good. Perhaps my inner child creativity has been with me all along, and I’m finally acknowledging her presence. That’s a comforting thought.
As I slouched in the corner of my white couch, I felt my body completely relax. I realized I likely felt more fatigued because I’m at that part of my cycle – not that I have any idea what the technical terms are. Then my mind imagined Taylor Swift coming up to my apartment’s screen door and knocking with a big smile on her face. “Hiiii!” she would say as she waved. I would look over, stand up, and then literally lose my mind while my inner child takes over. My heart would race, and I would start crying hysterically. Taylor would have to ask me to unlock the screen door because it’s locked. I would go over, hug her, and cry some more while trying to apologize.
A tightness in my chest interrupted my child-like fantasy, and I realized I could cry just by creating this story for myself. I don’t quite understand the strong emotions that come from cooking up stories like this in my head. Perhaps it’s stupid and immature. Maybe my inner child creativity aching to come out. Or perhaps Taylor Swift provides a playground for my worn-out soul to remember the inner child who loves to dance, sing, and tell stories.
I stopped my stupid tears and then went right back to my fantasy world where Taylor Swift knows who I am, wants to support the work I do in the world, and then becomes my best friend. When it felt like time to let my daydream go, I asked myself for the millionth time, “What is it about Taylor Swift?”
I think some people would say I idolize her. Maybe I do. But that isn’t my intention. What it comes down to is that I am forever jealous of how Taylor Swift figured out how to share her art with the world. She learned how to be okay with who she is and create through the trauma drama. And just look at her now. She not only built a legacy for herself, but her art also helps millions of people. I truly believe that art, in many forms, can be healing and life-changing for the most mundane people. People like you and me.
On top of her artistry, I admire her business savvy, the way she shows up for what she believes in, and the close family she seems to have. She’s a good person, and she leads with that goodness. That’s what separates her from the rest and what keeps her grounded.
You see, so many famous people get greedy early on and surround themselves with that same greedy mindset. The fallout includes abuse of all kinds on all levels. I don’t have to name names for you to think of at least three individuals who fit this category. So, when the light finally shines on the nasty truth that this mega-celebrity has been abusing people for decades, I cannot let that go. I can no longer enjoy the art that I once enjoyed. I don’t download the music; I won’t watch the movies.
In my mind, here’s the deal: We all have an artist inside us. We can choose to use that art to hide from our trauma or to expose our trauma. What I mean is, it can be easy to use the mask of fame to pretend to be something else. What’s more difficult and brave is to examine what’s under the mask, understand it, grow with it, and then create your next masterpiece.So, all this to say, I would cancel Taylor Swift if it ever came out that she was an abuser. I wouldn’t be able to listen to her music, and I would definitely grieve because I truly believe in her and what she stands for.
