She asks me if I like them. “They look great,” I say after a quick glance. And they do. A woman getting her nails done across from me even says she loves them. So, of course, I should feel over-the-moon happy about my new nails full of red sparkles. And I do—or do I? Yet, as I sit there, I can’t shake the feeling that this might be another step in overcoming a messy money mindset.
When I hear my total at the front desk, my chest tightens, and my stomach churns. Yet, I don’t show any of this. Instead, I smile and move my phone to tap into my husband’s money.
Then I face the expectation of tipping, something I planned to do all along. However, now, standing here with freshly done fingers and toes, tipping feels difficult. The amount already exceeds what I expected. Still, I move forward, holding onto my conviction that what I put out into the universe will return to me.
I feel like I’m doing the right thing by paying my bill and tipping. However, I wish I could be brave enough to ask questions about my bill so I could understand the upcharges. I know no one is trying to cheat me, but I just need to understand the costs so I can plan better next time.
Even so, I don’t ask any questions. I walk out, pretending all is well, though my whole body feels rigid.
When I look at my nails in the sunlight, I finally take my time. There are no busy nail techs staring at me, waiting for my approval.
Fury and anger rise inside me. Everything I’ve been holding in threatens to explode. My nails aren’t perfect, and I fear the more I look at them, the more I will hate them.
Mr. Sexy, my husband, stands in front of me, watching all of this play across my face. I refuse to believe he can read me so well after all these years together.
I know I need to talk about the trigger I’m experiencing, but I tell Mr. Sexy I don’t want to discuss it, even though I’m upset. You see, I’m pretty sure I still need to work through some money trauma. In the back of my mind, every time I spend on something nonessential, I start worrying about what I might not be able to afford down the road.
Growing up, my dad always made good money—or at least that’s how I remember it. But my parents’ behavior around money confused me as a kid. They seemed to cherry-pick what, who, and how they spent their money. Later, as I got older, I realized my dad used money as a source of power and control over his life. To him, every dollar was precious, and he believed he deserved each one the most.
When Mr. Sexy ducks into the pot shop, I stay outside. Without his presence to anchor me, I let myself feel everything. Tears burn my eyes. I lower my hat, so no one can see me. Then I study my fingers more, allowing myself to feel everything as strangers move past me on the sidewalk.
I thought I had moved past this. I thought I could handle this. After all, this was supposed to be a day of celebrating me, and I got exactly what I wanted, knowing it might cost more than I preferred. Yet, moments like this remind me how much work I still have to do in overcoming a messy money mindset.
Yet, it all still hits me. I can’t enjoy this gift to myself. What is that? My husband can afford for me to get my nails done. But it wasn’t about that.
I sabotaged my special moment. I needed everything to be perfect, and money feels precious. Every dollar feels sacred. I’m not so sure that’s healthy because, sometimes, a dollar is just a dollar.
Mr. Sexy walks beside me on the way home, both of us silent. I feel grateful for the way he gives me space to work through my thoughts. Each step releases more tension from my body, and by the time we reach home, my mind feels clearer.
I feel proud of myself. I took the time to celebrate me and gave myself the grace to feel everything I needed to feel. A messy money mindset won’t stop me from living the beautiful life I have. This was a lesson learned. Next time I get my nails done, I’ll know exactly what to ask for to get the results I want. And even if it’s not perfect, I’ll work on letting it go and, maybe someday, fully enjoying the money my husband and I work so hard to earn. Overcoming a messy money mindset is a journey, but I know I’m on the right path.
