As much as the Swiftie in me loves to say I’m dancing through my healing era, I think the reality is more like I’m calmly walking through my healing journey. You see, I’m not in a hurry to get where I’m going, all I need to is I will get there. I feel like the work happens in the in-between moments of silence, like when you wash the dishes or take an after-dinner walk.
In fact, I would say walking is one of the best ways to process healing. For example, a few years ago I started walking with the goal of moving my body for at least 30 minutes every day. My life had become sedentary, and so had my libido. It turns out walking regularly helped my libido and helped me create a more active lifestyle that lives on today. Even more exciting than that, I found that I came up with some of my best and most creative ideas while power walking, which became a little addicting. So eventually I reached a point where I expected to have creative lightbulb moments on every one of my walks.
I didn’t know it then, buy my healing journey began with walking.
When my life seemed to turn upside down, I powered through it with walks. Now, in my healing journey after surviving the storms, I can allow myself to continue walking but at a slower pace. I can rest in the rhythmic movement of my body as my brain works to rewire the trauma I experienced.
Healing requires a lot of hard work, especially when working with a therapist who refuses to use band-aids to fix bullet holes.
You know, that’s my favorite thing about my therapist, Dr. G. Well, that and the fact he classifies himself as a Swiftie. When I mentioned Taylor Swift during an early session he exclaimed, “Oh my God, I love that woman!” I laughed and then we talked more about her work and role in the world.
This might sound silly to you, but it matters to me that Dr. G. understands not only my fandom of Taylor Swift but also my respect for her and even the jealousy I have of her. You see, she is doing something I have wanted to do my whole life: telling her stories. Taylor Swift is deeply intertwined in my healing journey because her stories resonate strongly with me.
“However, your creative genius is blocked,” Dr. G. told me when we first started working together, “and she’s been blocked for some time.” He saw something I felt in my body, something I still can’t quite name.
Could this be stoicism?
Pain?
Shame?
What is this hard outer shell that I wear day in and day out?
I think a big part of my healing journey will involve cracking open this shell I created for myself and then completely getting rid of it.
Only then can my creative freak flyyyyyyy. However, to do that, I must work through some things from my past that, until now, I’ve not talked openly about with anyone.
I’m slowly beginning to talk to Dr. G about things that linger like ghosts in the darkness of my mind. He tells me that my secrets are keeping me from being creative and that one day I will be able to use those secrets to be creative. I’m not totally sure I believe him. Not yet. In my mind, he doesn’t have the whole picture of who I’ve been before, so how could he possibly say that? But then again, he’s been in the healing journey business for over 50 years. He likely knows what he’s talking about.
So, I think it’s time to acknowledge the woman sitting here today. What I did back then reflects who I used to be, not the woman I’ve grown into now. The choices I made that break my heart show that I cared so much and didn’t have any of the tools or support to do it well.
Right now, I have the power of hindsight as I work through my healing journey. I can look back and see so many nuances I couldn’t see at the time. And so, I think I can start to give that young girl some grace. I’m not exactly sure how to do that other than to think about it, write these difficult stories, and reflect on how I’ve grown and changed. Aren’t those our favorite types of stories anyways?
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