“We have until April,” I said. At that point, April was about 6 months away. “When April hits and we are still not OK, you need to go back to a regular job.” It was difficult to say these words. It felt wrong, somehow, to put a stipulation out there in this way. The fact was, though, I was deeply frustrated. I was tired and stressed unlike ever before. I wondered if he would be upset with me for putting this almost threat-like statement out there. I wanted to continue being the supportive spouse, yet at the same time, I needed to see that shining light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
So, I took a deep breath and sat down with Mr. Sexy and laid it all out there. I expected to see a little bit of hurt and maybe even some anger with my seeming lack of faith in his ability to succeed in building his business. Instead, I was surprised to see him nod his head and then say, “I agree. I actually am giving myself only 4 months.” Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. In with the nose. Out with the mouth. I’m always surprised at how in sync Mr. Sexy and I are before we even say the things out loud to each other.
We spent those six months building. Creating. Focused. One foot in front of the other. Daily check lists. Things going undone. Tears shed. Broken car window. Extra cash mysteriously finding its way into our checking account. Bills pushed. Bills paid. Clogged plumbing. Cursing in the heat of the moment. Crying out to God. Wondering if it was all for nothing in the end.
And guess what?
We did it.
We made it.
In fact, we are THRIVING.
My sexual wellness business has once again found its footing. I have discovered a new stream of income through my learned expertise on how to use Instagram for businesses. I am able to do something creative every single day. I have focus and clarity on where I’m headed next. I can find joy in the smallest thing even on the difficult days.
I read a lot of books written by entrepreneurs and they all say some of the same things:
It was really hard.
I wanted to give up.
It was the most stressful thing ever
Blah, blah, blah.
And here I am, making those same statements! What does that make me? A hypocrite? I think it gives me understanding of what those statements truly meant. Yet why couldn’t any of these successful entrepreneurs give a real-life example of the moment they said they were outside and cursing through loud, angry tears? I’m a woman who likes the down-and-dirty version of the story. I want to know that person was literally where I was. Or somewhere worse. Or somewhere not even close to as bad.
It is my dream to one day be that entrepreneur that can have the down-and-dirty details to the trials of what it’s like to live this life. It’s too much for today. I probably won’t get to it tomorrow, either. It’s too soon, to early, to close to have the perspective I need.
Here’s what I can tell you, though.
Your dreams are not in vain.
Your crazy huge visions for yourself are not ridiculous.
I speak to myself just as much as to you.
I have yet to see my huge dreams actualized.
However, I am one step closer every day.
As I am learning to step into my creativity and lean into my God, I am led. From one moment to the next.