I woke up this morning to fantastic, unexpected news. Or, in other words, God’s goodness continuing to show up in our lives. Our taxes and Covid stimulus check had arrived into our bank account. I don’t understand why now. And I don’t have to.
Here’s our story these past 5 months. As I begin my tale, know that many details are still sacredly private. These few minutes you and I are about to spend together is the beginning of me learning to share all God has been doing.
In July, trauma showed its face.
Trauma has many different forms and we are all unique in how we experience it. I recently learned that the trauma I am experiencing is something called “ secondary trauma,” or something like that. What this means is I am experiencing a trauma that did not directly happen to me. Maybe we could call it, “trauma by proxy.”
Mr. Sexy and I immediately went into overdrive. We didn’t skip a beat in making the appropriate calls for support. And this is where I can now look back and see God’s goodness begin to show up. You see, just two years earlier we did not consider ourselves to be part of a church family or have friends we could lean into for support.
God’s goodness brought our family to Real Life Church where we developed friendships that are carrying us through today..
These past 5 months have been overwhelming, to say the least. I have never understood anxiety, stress, PTSD and triggers more. Simply writing these cliff notes of our story adds a brick to my chest and a shiver through my body. This is my body reacting to my trauma.
Making decisions isn’t easy anymore – even the simple ones.
For example, the decision to go to the grocery store, and with whom, and when… Well, often there is tension at the very least. You see, grocery shopping is important to us, including our 4 kids. We all care very much about having our favorite foods around all the time.
This need for comfort speaks to our collective, trauma, sure. It also speaks to our money situation…
Since Covid, like so many, our income dropped and we lived off our savings while continuing to build new businesses. Mr. Sexy and I were confident in our choices. We knew our savings would eventually run out and the goal was to beat the clock, in a sense. Also, we had aspirations of my new sex coaching business to pay the bills.
Instead, trauma over took our lives and eventually, our cash flow.
I can now vaguely remember talking with Mr. Sexy about our savings. He said it was low, and he could maybe stretch it out 2-3 months. So some weeks later, when I asked him about why my Sex Coach University(SCU) payment wasn’t going through, he said, “We need more money.”
This statementflooded me with nausea.
I had completely not registered the conversation in the kitchen from what seemed to be ages ago. Bless Mr. Sexy’s heart for not reacting to my intense reaction:
Get on the road and get a job. Like now. Bye.
Mr. Sexy seemed to completely understand my immediate fears. At the same time, our true needs were given some perspective. For instance, I tearfully put my Brand Builder’s coaching and SCU on hold until January. To be quite honest, this in turn provided me with more crapacity to be available for my kids.
Now, coping is, in my opinion, a need. In the past when faced with a tough situation, Mr. Sexy and I would have nursed the pain with shit-cheap Vodka. I have been doing a lot of workwith my hormones and have realized just now terrible vodka is for me. Instead, we are turning to marijuana as our coping mechanism. It’s a healthier choice for us. For one thing, Mr. Sexy prefers the CBD benefits for his chronic back pain.
Mr. Sexy is convinced his chronic pains are from unattended stress and trauma from the past 20+ years.
He is currently obsessed with Dr. Caroline Leaf which is where he learned this new piece to his puzzle. Long story short, Mr. Sexy’s right arm is going numb constantly. Unchecked this will result in little or no use of his right arm and hand. While I know this wouldn’t be the end of the world, the idea scares the shit out of me…
The problem we have is finding a doctor who will work with us and have availability. I had zero expectation of finding a surgeon for him anytime soon much less in close proximity. Well, two weeks ago Mr. Sexy got the call. The call for surgery! And it was much sooner than I think either of us anticipated.
Mr. Sexy’s surgery is scheduled in Spokane on December 23.
I cannot tell you how loaded this date is. Two days before Christmas. One day after My birthday. The day of Evan’s dad’s birthday. And here’s the icing on the cake: We also have a court appearance scheduled for December 23. And yes, court is directly related to our collective trauma.
We scheduled the surgery because a few days before the call, we learned that court on December 23 most likely is not happening (God’s goodness). Now, if it is… We are prepared to cancel surgery. However, looking at all the moving pieces I can’t show you, we are confident God is on the move. So, this brings us to the present, for the most part. Are you overwhelmed yet?
Here is what I am learning through this period!
My boundaries are essential and fuck anyone who can’t respect them.
Asking for help is brave and at times necessary.
Sitting with my feelings, as painful as they are, help me move through it.
My connection with Mr. Sexy is everything.
Food stamps are nothing to be ashamed about.
I am stronger than I ever realized.
God’s goodness is so unbelievably good!
I am angry with God, He knows. It’s why I can’t talk to Him as much these days. He is truly my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself which is in part what makes my relationship with Him feel so fucking vulnerable. And you know what? This encourages me! My God is so real, and so available for me. We will come out the other side. I will forgive him one day.
And now that I let all this out, I am going to sit with “my tears and my beers and candles,” to quote Taylor Swift.
Let’s stay connected!
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Email Jessica B. your questions: Jessica@jessicaleighbiles.com