In the actual moment, I felt shocked and completely betrayed. I couldn’t believe she had done this to me—and not just me, but Emily too. We both received lies and manipulation. Fortunately, I had already started therapy on dealing with toxic family issues. Previously, an incident like this would have ripped me apart for months.
Instead, what happened became a tiny blip on our move-in day. I’m already forgetting about it too.
Emily likes to keep up with my sister-in-law on Messenger Kids, and I love that they talk—well, loved. I loved that Emily had someone to talk to. Jill (let’s just call her Jill, mmmmk?) happened to be at Disneyland, and Emily invited her to visit us. Like most of the adults who used to be in my kids’ lives, Jill began making plans with my 10-year-old daughter. My kids and the adults in our lives know that I require the adult to contact either Mr. Sexy or me about making plans. I am constantly blown away by how challenging it is to maintain this boundary.
Eventually, Jill texted me and asked to see my kids. I agreed, and Jill headed our way with her family. I expected to see my little brother, Jill, and their daughter. But I didn’t think to ask questions. It was odd when Jill asked if I could drop the kids off at the grocery store to see them instead of going to the beach a few feet away as planned.
I felt nervous about seeing them. Jill and I had been close for a while. In fact, I bought us Taylor Swift Eras Tour tickets, and she started working with our marketing company. But, long story short, she quit our business and our friendship without any explanation. But hey, that’s par for the course for this “family.” They don’t communicate, and it’s their number one problem.
Even though I felt nervous, I also felt kind of excited. After such a big, traumatic move, it would be nice to have someone familiar here for a change, even if it felt awkward. Regardless, I felt confident we would have a great time catching up.
However, as soon as Jill came out of the car alone, something felt wrong. I smiled and waved despite the nasty feeling growing in my gut.
“Heeeey!” I called out.
Without greeting me back, Jill walked straight to me and ignored my kids. This seemed strange because, according to her texts, my kids were the only people she said she wanted to see.
Then she started talking, and I grabbed my metaphorical scissors.
“I didn’t tell you or Emily this, um,” Jill began as she got close enough to talk to me. “But I don’t know if she’ll get out of the car or not, but your mom is in the car.”
I have never felt so dumbfounded.
“What the fuck?” I replied.
If looks could kill, Jill would be dead.
“What the fuck did you just do to me?!” I sat on the grassy hills, staring up at a woman I used to call a friend.
She said nothing.
“Get out,” I said.
Jill turned and almost ran back to her car like the coward she is.
Sitting in my new front yard, I watched Jill scurry away. I realized my mom could likely see me from somewhere in that car, though I couldn’t see her. That feeling didn’t sit well with me either. What a coward.
The disconnect between my mom and me is as old as I am. In fact, Jill and I used to talk about my parents all the time because Jill also found my mom and dad barely tolerable, if that. Then I would see Jill do all kinds of fun things with my parents and complain to me about them.
What Jill did for me on my move-in day confirmed that my gut was right. You see, it turns out my brother married someone just like my mother. Because of what Jill did to me in that parking lot, I fully realized how crucial it is for me to cut all ties with that side of the family. Dealing with toxic family members has become a necessary step for me to protect my own well-being.
I didn’t always know my own value, but now I do. I also know what my kids deserve. They don’t have to settle for a grandmother who hides from them in the beach parking lot.
How pathetic. How sad.
The day before this all happened, I had a good conversation with my life coach about dealing with toxic family issues. I think it’s also important to note that my life coach is also a therapist. She just couldn’t be my therapist anymore because she isn’t licensed in California. During our weekly call, I expressed my frustration that since our car blew up, nobody in my family reached out to me or responded to me.
“Well, they must not be capable of showing up for you,” my life coach said.
I understand that. I know this. It’s too bad. I didn’t know it at the time, but this conversation would help me better navigate Jill’s cowardly ambush.
So, after Jill left with her family, I processed what happened for a few hours as we moved in our first set of boxes. I realized I didn’t feel devastated by what the “family” did. Instead, I feel bad for them. They are all stuck and missing out on knowing some truly phenomenal human beings.
Christians like to tell me that God hates broken relationships and that you can’t be happy with such division. Those Christians need to see a real therapist. That’s all I’ll say about that—for now. Dealing with toxic family isn’t for the faint of heart.
Our family really loves it here in Long Beach. We adore the weather, the beach, our apartment, and each other. Our family has grown so close this year. We, as a unit, are a big reason we have made it to this apartment on the beach. We do fight for sure, but man, do we know how to come back and love each other.
