Today I cut the final strings to my childhood family. Mr. Sexy knew this day was coming a long time ago. Up until a few days ago, I believed in opportunity for reconciliation. But now… I don’t see how that could ever happen.
I realize I need to let go of my hero complex. I thought I could fix the brokenness they all carry. My therapist would tell me I can’t do the work for someone else. We were usually referring to Mr. Sexy. But it applies here and I think I get it now. For instance, I invited one adult sibling to join our family phone plan to get him out from under the thumb of our parents. I have been paying this phone bill for almost two years without a thank you. Instead my adult sibling regularly treated me unkind. So, I finally cut that shit off.
All I can to is take care of me and mine. What’s beautiful is I have a choice on who I allow into my life and who I call family.
I know I am the villain in their stories. Not everyone would agree to that statement, of course. But honey those peeps can “get the fuck out” (Kesha). I am done cowering to stranger’s broken ideas of who I am. Those opinions don’t matter. What does matter is looking myself in the mirror every day and being happy. Mr. Sexy’s mental health is very high on my list. My kids feeling safe in our new home and able to Connect With new friends is so important.
I really can’t wait to get back into therapy. I have so many questions like: how did I choose my husband, where does my courage come from and who taught me to be so toxically positive? Regardless of the answers, I am super proud of who I am and what I’m doing – which is so many things.
And I think that’s all I have for today.