Masturbation Conversation: 7 Permissions to Have Better Sex

The point I hope to drive home is that sex is more than what we’ve been taught at school, church and from our parents. Sex is more than penis going into a vagina. Sex is touch, word play, energy, oral, solo pleasure and more. But you and I were taught from a very young age sex is vaginal penetration with a penis. This is the only type of sex taught in sex ed which is frustrating because masturbation is a fantastic way to practice safe sex and avoid teen pregnancy. Instead we are taught about a penis and vagina and how they come together to make a baby because that’s what sex is for. While we are taught basics about safe sex practices, there is so much missing from the conversation.

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“I want to have better sex but I don’t know where to start.” Well, you just started. Congratulations! Instead of letting overwhelm capture you in her claws, you chose to be here. Oftentimes showing up is the hardest part. Now, what permissions do you need to unlock to progress in your journey to sexual freedom? Yup, you need permission to have sex! But not from me, not your pastor or parent, not even from God (Yikes! Did I just say that?!). You need permission from you.

You get to always decide what kind of sex you want to have, with whom and when and so much more. But do you? Do you have that kind of permission over your own sexuality? Have you ever?

Permission to have your best sex starts with you.

I first learned about sex through masturbation around age seven or eight; I got “the talk” at nine. When I initially discovered the pleasure center living between my legs, I was playing as kids do. I think I made the door my horse, if that makes sense, during my fantasy play. That’s how I realized rubbing felt really good between my legs. Like really good. And then later I discovered my orgasm, which I obsessed about.

The thought to tell my mom didn’t even cross my mind. But I did show my best friend. And maybe that’s what made my private play an okay thing to do. Telling my best friend and her acceptnce of my disclosure gave me feelings of acceptance and safety. Looking back, that could have all gone down way different. I suppose my best friend gave me my first permission slip for pleasure. So by the time I got any kind of sex talk, I had already experienced… sex.

School, church, and our parents have taught us less about sex than what it truly entails.

Sex is more than penis going into a vagina. Sex is touch, word play, energy, oral, solo pleasure and more. From a young age, we learned that Sex involves penetration with a penis. Sex education only teaches this type, which is frustrating since masturbation is a fantastic way to practice safe sex and prevent teen pregnancy.

Instead, we learn about the union of a penis and a vagina creating a baby, so deemed the purpose of sex. Although we receive fundamental education on safe intimacy practices, there’s a lot absent from the conversation.

But frankly, having the conversation feels a bit pointless if you don’t have permission to, shall we say, partake. So I am going to break down seven permissions that will help you have better and better sex! Do not let this cute little list fool you, however. This list is your starting point.

1. You have permission to explore.

I don’t care how old you are or how long you’ve been with your partner. There is always so much room to explore sexually because we are a species that can change and grow over time. Have you ever heard that women tend to have better orgasms as they age? Well, the thinking is that girls and young women don’t know a whole lot about their bodies or pleasure. The older they get, though, the more they explore and become comfortable in their bodies, the better their orgasms! So instead of waiting for old age to hit the best orgasms, start exploring now and see how climatic you can be!

2. You have permission to deconstruct the religious teachings you’ve received.

In other words, when you encounter something conflicting with your established sense of what’s right or moral, feel free to question that teaching. You can then decide whether to reject or embrace it. I in no way want you to feel pressure to denounce your religious beliefs entirely or anything like that. However I am asking you to be open to ask all kinds of questions as you embark on this journey of self-discovery.

Here are a few pieces to my deconstruction story: I grew up a conservative non-denominational Christian who went to church every Sunday and brought friends to youth group regularly all while living out the typical rebellious lifestyle behind the scenes.
Church teaches I resented the black and white rules taught at church, Above all, I resented the taboo surrounding discussions on topics like intimacy and love, and other colorful extracurriculars typically frowned upon if one aimed to be seen as a good Christian girl.

As a young adult I didn’t have a good place for my questions bubbling just below the surface as I religiously, painfully brought my blended family to church every Sunday as good Christians do. Then I entered the sexual health industry though a company called Pure Romance. Just the purchase of my starter kit involved a conversation asking myself, “Is this a right thing for me to do?”

In other words, “Do I have permission to sell sex products and be a good Christian?”

Thankfully my friends in the room that day cheered me on, excited for me to do something they knew I would be good at. And I didn’t disappoint! All this to say, because of the ongoing sex education I received I constantly questioned my own morals and beliefs. The more I learned how sex and sexuality actually operate, the more sexual freedom I discovered for myself.

My deconstruction journey is ongoing but I do firmly believe in God, the Trinity, the cross and Heaven and Hell. However I reject most of the rules that are generally required to be a Christian, like the belief that homosexuality is inherently sinful, sex outside of marriage damages me for future relationships and attending church meetings is the only community I should participate in. Therefore don’t call myself a Christian anymore.

My faith journey is ongoing and I expect to continue learning d growing until the day I die. But I only got here because I gave myself permission to ask questions. Do you have permission to question the religious beliefs you were taught?

3. You have permission to educate yourself.

At this point, nobody else will educate you on sex but you. So you can continue to fumble through the trials and errors of how to experience great sex or you can seek out resources to help you learn new sex skills. That said, the best sex skill any person or couple can learn is how to communicate about sex. Yet for so many, just talking about sex, even with a partner or best friend, often feels like one of the most taboo conversations a person can have. So, here are a few ways to begin those conversations! Watch, read or listen together and I guarantee you will have some new talking points for your next date night!

The NIV cultural study Bible

Netflix: Principles of Pleasure

Netflix: Sex Education

Patreon: Sex On The Beach

Books: Come As You Are, The Great Sex Rescue

4. You have permission to seek support.

Throughout our time together you will likely experience a range of emotions. Some of what we do might feel a little nerve-wracking simply because this mighty be a new conversation. If you ever notice you are feeling particularly triggered during an exercise, you can always pause, stop, take a break and please reach out to your therapist, coach, partner, best friend or trusted mentor. The only way out of the pain is to grow through it.

Now, if at any point you realize you have sex trauma triggering you, I strongly encourage you to work with a sex therapist. I recommend a sex therapist instead of a trauma therapist because you want to work with someone who has deep rooted knowledge of sexuality and someone who is comfortable with all aspects of sexuality. Unfortunately, just like you and I didn’t receive great sex education, neither did most professionals.

Sex education is truly something you need to seek out on your own to be fully informed.

Now, if you’re moving along this course and realize you hit a road block making it difficult to move forward, you might want to consider sex coaching. The main difference between therapy and coaching is therapy seeks to understand the past in order to heal the present. Coaching, on the other hand, seeks to understand your present in order to move forward towards future goals. There are many more nuances that separate therapy from coaching and if you’re curious to learn more, message me!

Finally, even if you don’t experience trauma triggers or road blocks throughout this course, you will likely have questions, opinions and experiences you want to share or receive some support on. That’s what this group coaching type of space is here to do. Use the comments section all you want or message me privately. What I hope to cultivate is an element of community here so that when you share about a struggle you will receive support from others in our group also instead of only me.

5. You have permission to be turned on.

I am excited to help you normalize and perhaps even revel in feeling turned on through this course. During my nine years worki-ng in the sexual health industry I found that a lot of women teach themselves to ignore and even squander their arousal. Often this happens because of some element of sex shame or guilt. The result, more often than not, is low or non-existent libido.

So I invite you to not only learn something new through this course, but also to enjoy the experience however it manifests for you. A big part of this journey is noticing when you feel arousal and exercising your autonomy to do something about it.

6. You have permission to be turned off.

At the same time, I hope to normalize that not feeling horny is totally normal and acceptable. Lots of things can effect arousal for short term and long term but I won’t go down that laundry list here. What you do need to know, though, is there should be no pressure to experience something that isn’t right for you.

Here’s a great example: Last year I began working with a couple struggling with mis-matched libido and overcoming some sex shame from their religious background. After about six sex coaching calls with me they both added a few new tools to their sex kit and they decided to take a break from coaching. During that time she began researching sexuality on her own and made a huge discovery that will change her sex life forever. She realized she is asexual. For her, this felt like the missing puzzle piece to understanding her libido. She and her partner came back to coach with me again, more excited now than before!

When armed with knowledge, you get to experience more permissions to live as you are. For my client, this looked like a combination of outside support and personal education. Your journey will look different and hopefully have a similar outcome: More permission to experience sex as is right for you.

7. Lastly, you have permission to …

Now its your turn. You are going to create your own list of permissions using my list here as a starting point. You may incorporate all the permissions on my list or none of them or a few of them. Whatever is right for you!

To begin this exercise, go through my list and ask these questions for each category:

What permission(s) do I already have?

What permission (s) would I like to have?

What do I need to let go of to embrace the permissions(s) I want for myself?

Okay, now that you have the right permissions in place, let’s get excited to learn all about your anatomy!

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