Karma is… Cutting Ties with Toxic Family

I’m cutting ties with toxic family today. It only took ten years of constantly trying to fix brokenness that didn’t belong to me. You see, living that way left me feeling exhausted and in pain. So, I cut the final invisible strings to those people from my growing up years.

Even though I saw this day coming, I’m still surprised by it. Hurt by it. Reeling from it. Until a few days ago, I believed reconciliation would be possible. But now, I just don’t see how it could ever happen.

When Trying to Fix Others Becomes an Obstacle to Cutting Ties with Toxic Family

I realize I need to let go of my hero complex. Perhaps it’s part of being the oldest. I somehow believe it’s my job to lead my siblings toward becoming better versions of themselves. But what gives me the right to do that?

I thought I could fix their brokenness. And I mean that literally. You can see their trauma in their bodies and hear it in their speech. It’s even evident in how they treat the people they say they love. In many ways, I feel like the only one doing the inner work and putting mental health practices into place. Admitting this feels both arrogant and right.

“You can’t do the work for someone else,” Mr. Sexy’s therapist used to say to him. For a full year, I sat next to him on the big couch, listening as he and his therapist went back and forth. Their conversations taught me a lot, and I started applying those lessons to my own life. That statement was one of them. And now, I think I finally get it.

The Real Price of Supporting Toxic Family Members

Two years ago, I invited my youngest brother to join our family phone plan. At the time, I thought the extra cost amounted to about a dollar a month. So, it seemed too affordable not to make the switch. Well, fast forward to more recently, and I realized how much that phone line was actually costing us.

For two years, I paid my little brother’s phone bill. Why? Because I thought I was saving him from something—maybe from our parents. But that was naïve and foolish. The truth is, only he can save himself from the people in his life. The outcome of this phone bill situation, and his treatment of me throughout our relationship, revealed just how naive and dumb I had been.

When I finally reached out to discuss the phone situation, it didn’t go well. His reaction was typical of our family. He reminded me of an old version of myself, one that doesn’t exist anymore—or at least not often. He used every tool in his toolbox to gaslight me. He even berated me for my current situation of moving my family to Long Beach.

Finally, I’m done letting these people treat me like garbage.

I cut off his phone line.

And we haven’t spoken since.

Finding Peace by Ending Toxic Family Relationships

At the end of the day, I can only take care of myself and my family. I have no business trying to rescue someone who doesn’t want to leave the misery they’re surrounded by. I understand that misery loves company. I also know that I have a choice in who I allow into my life and call family. What a beautiful gift that realization has been.

I believe they see me as the villain in all these stories. But honey, those people can get out of my life. I am done cowering to strangers’ broken ideas of who I am. Their opinions don’t matter. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

I really can’t wait to get back into therapy. I have so many questions: How did I choose my husband? Where does my courage come from? Who taught me to be so toxically positive? Regardless of the answers, I’m proud of who I am and what I’m doing—which is so many things.

Cutting ties with toxic family isn’t something I wanted to do, but it’s what had to be done.

 The pain is real, but so is the relief of finally letting go. I’m learning to protect my peace, even when it means walking away from people who were supposed to be my forever. If you’re navigating a similar path, stick around. Subscribe to this blog, and we can walk this road of healing and finding ourselves together.